I’m not a girl, not yet a woman… (Anna Osinska)
About understanding a few words.
Wednesday evening, arriving at 10 pm. The clatter of bare feet. I lift my sluggish, mid-week head and see that beaming, laughing face, which in a moment will say “good night, mice for the night and cockroaches under the pillows.” Quick hugs, this daily attempt to extend time out of bed. The norm, it is known. Finally, again, this time a decent hug and already the little feet are stomping to their room. At that time you don’t know it yet. Then you don’t even expect, you don’t have that realization that in a few years you will miss those bedtime spells, those hugs and that time that little being tried to negotiate to spend with you. Today you already know. Today you know a lot more. But one step at a time.
Wednesday evening, it gets to 10 pm. Silence. The sound of the shower ending should have just sounded. Silence, which means that you have to go and remind that tomorrow for 7 for school, that the child will not get enough sleep, that the evening reading before bed will be pointless because the brain is already tired, that pouring water for an hour will wake up the other infant sleeping behind the wall adjacent to the bathroom. And then you don’t think about those hugs, those incantations less than 2 years ago before bed, which were the sweetest negotiating mandate in the world. Today he is 12 years old. She is a full-fledged teenager. Yet looking back over time at himself and judging by expectations, he is already at the level of a bird leaving the nest. A sermon comes to mind: when I was your age it…. Exactly, and you know what I always do then. I recall what adults said after the words “when I was your age” and what I thought about it at the time. I remember it well, because I was of that series of the rebellious ones, struggling to expand my independence. Mainly it’s something like this: Jaaaaa what do they want from me again ?!! They are allowed everything and of course I am allowed nothing, is that fair! However, I was very lucky, because I had very wise parents, who first built up their authority, designated areas in which I could wage my wars and receive trophies, and they, with white gloves, cleverly managed me. I’m learning it.
We are different – we adults and our growing children. We differ in age, we differ in experience, we differ in needs and expectations. That’s why it’s so difficult for us to sometimes meet at the same point of realizing each other’s expectations. But believe me, it’s even harder for a growing teenager.
A woman is born three times in her life – the first, on the day she is born. He is learning to live with the umbilical cord cut off. Every parent knows that these are not easy days, both for him and for the little newborn. The second time a woman is born is just when she begins to mature. First menstruation, changing body, hormonal tsunami. I think that this period is the most difficult – already this young, adolescent person is already understanding a lot of things, efficiently connecting the facts, but he does not fully understand them, and where there is talk of acceptance. What was previously easy and straightforward suddenly becomes a challenge (see above: respecting the rules of bathroom use ?). Why is it that it is during puberty in girls that so many disorders related to the perception of their bodies occur? Well, that’s why. They themselves are looking for the answer to the question who am I? A child, a woman? Am I ok? A real life Armageddon. In contrast, a woman’s final third birth occurs when she becomes a mother. This is the most beautiful form of birth. A cosmic challenge, but the strength of maternal love is also generally counted in astronomical parameters. Talking to women, I often hear: listen since I became a mother, I didn’t realize that you can love someone so much. This is the most important truth and the quintessence of everything.
Your teenager will experience transformations and so will you – but support her in realizing the 5 areas that are most important to her now:
- The need for acceptance.
She is learning to accept herself. Support her, take care of her self-esteem. It is the backbone of her self-acceptance. She will repay you in adulthood as a mature, courageous and confident woman, proudly going after her own.
- The need for freedom.
For us adults, this is the most difficult area of support. Not long ago a little gzub, and today she would already like to ride the bus to the mall by herself. Calm. Trust her, let her test you. Teach her to be responsible. Only if you give her a taste of it will she be able to prove herself and learn to use her freedom properly.
- The need to search for one’s belonging.
She comes out painted and dressed like Edward Scissorhands. You think, what the hell! This is a new fad. That’s it. Dear Mom, we had skinheads, pankies, metals and skaters. They now have their groups, their fashion, their style. No panic. Look for compromises, set clear boundaries. Read about what your daughter is interested in, surprise her with a conversation.
- The need for change.
She is changing all the time. She turns from a girl into a woman. She herself is the change at this point. Experiments. He needs this to accept himself. Support and advise her.
- The need for proximity.
She still needs you. She pushes you away as you try to hug her, after all, she is already too big for a miziu mizu, but she still needs you. Hug, say warm words and love as hard as you can.
No one said it would be easy, but I will comfort you. You are not alone dear Mom. Let’s support each other, because there is strength in women!